I'm Sorry

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I have been all morning. I couldn’t sleep last night, I couldn’t eat and I still can’t eat. I’ve made it through about half a cup of coffee. I’m crying to hard I can barely see the screen and I’m trying not to drip tears on my shiny MacBook. I’m also having some trouble breathing because I’m crying so hard and now my nose is plugged up. I’m mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m a complete mess.
Why, you may wondering? What could possibly be bothering Kate so much that she’s a blabbering mess? Certainly not another fat or obese comment. While I’ve been the one calling others lately out on their rude and insensitive comments, I guess I forgot along the way that my words can hurt others as well.
I keep my private life close to the belt, even my closest of friends don’t know the details of my life. I’ve always been a private person, and I probably always will be, but today on this rare occasion, I’m going to share some with you. I don’t want to name my friend publicly, but I will call him John (not his real name) throughout this post.
While the words that hurt me were mean and intentional comments, the hurt I inflicted on John was not intentional or done in a vicious manner, but nonetheless they’ve hurt someone who is near and dear to me. So much so that I’m not sure if our friendship will ever be the same.
What did I say? John has been going through a difficult situation personally and I’ve been struggling with how to handle the situation and support him through it. The day had been shaky for John and I didn’t know how to help, I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I was confused and afraid of offending my friend, so I suggested that I would take a step back, but I would be here whenever he needed me.
My suggestion at taking a step back was taken as a betrayal and abandonment of our friendship. He now feels forsaken and that I can no longer be trusted.
Dear John,
I’m terribly sorry to have hurt you and caused you even more pain while you are already going through a time of hurt and loss.
I apologize that my words were interpreted as abandonment and betrayal. The opposite was really true, I felt that giving you space would a way to help you through this difficult time. I want to be there as a loving and supporting friend without becoming too overbearing.
I ask for your forgiveness as I never intended to hurt you. I know that forgiveness is difficult to grant when I’ve hurt you so, but your forgiveness would mean the world to me. I cannot articulate how terribly sorry I am.
I am always here for you, no matter what the situation. No matter what the time of day or night, I am always ready to help you. If you’ll let me I would still like to support you in this time of loss. Whatever you need from me, I will give it.
My hope is that you can forgive me and we can mend our friendship. You mean the world to me, probably more than you will ever know. I know it won’t be easy to forgive me and move past this, but I’m here fighting for our friendship and willing to do whatever it takes.
I’m so sorry,
Kate